Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Will exercising make me less horny?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
