He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Randomize
