my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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