I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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