I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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