I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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