i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
