i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
