Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
