when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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