I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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