I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
