My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
