i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
