I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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