your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
