He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
