The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
