No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
