she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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