Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
