I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
