I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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