do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
