do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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