Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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