Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
