They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
