I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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