A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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