why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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