I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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