Can i not drive my cunt home
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
