yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
