Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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