If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
