I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
