I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
