Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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