he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
