Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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