Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
