Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
