btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
