You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
worst night to have a conscience
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
