I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
