literally had 100 drinks last night.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
