when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
