We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
