somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
