I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
