it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
In other news, I just burned my penis
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
