The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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