she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
