Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
