Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
