my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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