I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I will die if light touches me.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
