Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
